these past few days ive been feeling really awful. like idk a part of me sorta feels empty and more lonely. but im NOT lonely. and i have no reason to feel the way i do. its stupid. something i noticed ever since my social life has become more active i start beating myself up more often then usual. i used to tell myself that the feelings i felt, no matter how extreme or "stupid" they seemed were valid and that emotions are neutral. im not a bad person for hating myself. feeling lonely, angry, or scared. i've spent my entire life feeling like i had to just jere mize'w (manage your misery) and any strong emotions i had were dumb and wrong. that i shouldnt cry because im "too old" for that shit. i dont really cry much anymore, though i feel the tears. they never come out out because i dont know? shame? i guess. it also just so happens that i want to cry at the most inconvient times, like at work or school. and i refuse to be vulnerable in those moments because it had never benefited me (i want to die). i guess im not used to this. im not used to talking to people like this. i'm a recluse. i just spend my time on the computer doing god knows what at this point. i try to be productive and do my work for school but its hard. adhd is really kicking my ass harder than before. and i cant help but feel so stupid and immature. but i want to be mature. i want to be smart and not stupid. i hate myself so much, man. i wish i could just stop. i wish i could stop feeling these things and having these problems but its not fucking easy at all. i can't be consistent at all with anything and its affecting me deeply. the smallest things get on my nerves or makes me wanna cry and spiral into bad thoughts.

i keep debating on whether or not i should go to therapy. i really hate the pyschiritry system. i find it to be very victim blamey and irionically ableist. i dont want to have to talk to someone with a savior complex or take pills with crazy side affects to feel better about myself. is that really the only option i have? im not saying this because i think there's something inherently bad or inferior about taking those options. but for me its 1) i dont have access to either of those. i dont make the kind of money nessacary to pay for a therapy session or keep up with prescriptions. 2) i shouldnt HAVE to. i really hate this idea that your at fault for not wanting to go seek help in this way and want to figure things out on your own and find alternatives. people love to weaponize the living hell out of those services and it fustrates me and makes me not want to go even more. to hell with it. i dont care. i dont want something to be used against me in this way. and its not the fucking governments buisness on what possible disorder i have and whether or not i'll be elegible to even travel the world or get a job because of them. idk. i sorta went on a tangent there. but lets just say ive been feeling really terrible these days.

its mainly due to my massive inferiortiy complex. i always knew i had one but its really bigger than i had initially realized. i just cant help but feel like a massive piece of shit compared to others. i know i shouldnt care about things like someone ignoring my messages in a group chat orrr not getting the attention i wanted on some art i posted. but thats just how i feel. i dont have the brainpower to fight those thoughts away. and a large part of me doesnt want to, because i know its not bad to think about things like that. they're just thoughts. but what do i do with those and how can i push forward?? i just dont fucking get it man. i dont even really know what i want out of myself anymore. every push to trying to be "better" just feels empty. i want to fill in this idea or facade of being this person that i strive to be, but is that what i truly want in the first place? i dont know whats gonna actually benefit me or not. is it all pointless? i guess thats why ive given up on so many aspects, or dont even really bother doing certain stuff anymore. its just too much effort and im just tired. everyday im tired. i cant remember the last time i've felt energized at this point. everything is a blur.

its 3am right now. i dont wanna go back to bed. so i guess i'll just listen to sad songs to try and feel better until the sunrises.