hey so its been a month, though it feels like forever since i've really cared about this site. things are mostly the same, except im in college and a legal adult now. im getting more hours at my shitty job (much to my dismay), and i still feel like a rotting body trying to pick up pieces of myself and somehow continue on despite everything. my brain is full, but i feel like i cant really do anything most of the time but honestly, i feel better. a couple months ago i discovered something that is changing me, and its pushing me to do more, to be something. i think i finally reached the point where i can "move on", because ultimately i was holding myself back.

i understand what that means now, after years of hearing it.

i dont care about my ex friends anymore. blocked them, and i've been thinking of deleting my old instagram i havent used in years (im really bad with keeping track of time, i dont know how long its been actually). thinking about them and the anger and sadness they made/make me feel is doing me no benefit. i'm done caring about people who dont seem to care much if at all about me currently. i'm actually talking to people (online), maybe not making friends, but i dont care about interpersonal relationships that much anymore. i've been drawing a lot more frequently and want to start trying out animation, share my art with others and improve my craft.

im in a position where i think i could really flourish. im starting off small, but im going somewhere and im going to keep pushing for it. i feel good. i have more to look forward to when i get up in the morning now. i want to draw again. i want to try newer things like animation.

sure i havent magicially turned into this better person who can do all the things i felt like i couldnt. this isn't some inspiration porn. realistically, im still a daydreamer who still has severe executive dysfunction issues, who can't commit to a schedule and has trouble focusing and prioritizing things that actually matter. i still feel inadequate and mediocre. still wondering where i "belong" in this world. will i always be an outcast, a redshirt? i dont know what being apart of community is still and interpersonal intimate relationships terrify me. but, i'm gonna accept the changes. i'm gonna do more than i already was doing before, and i think thats significant progress!!

i do want to do more with this site in the future i have the ideas i just need to stop doubting myself and do them because nobody else will. even if this site never goes anywhere as far as the others, or my coding skills still remains basic as it is now i dont care. i'm in the process of finally understanding on what it means to be an artist. and that is to enjoy doing it in the first place!

< 2