so i've been taking a social media break. i decided to include neocities and youtube into that as well for a multitude of reasons, but for all of the sites i took a break from the main reason was because of how disillusioned i'd become by everyone and everything. i'm just sick of it all. it seems no matter where i go everyone is just extremely insufferable and needlessly cruel that i figured i'd be better off just not bothering with it at all. with youtube its considerably worse considering it's hard not to engage with youtube at all. it's a monopoly of a video sharing site, meaning you'll even be asked to watch them even in professional settings. there's nothing we can do about that until someone makes better competition but that won't happen anytime soon. it's also one thing to see a dumb instagram post or a tweet but it's a whole other thing when someone goes out of their way to make a 15-30 minute video about some drama or why you're stupid for liking a movie or a tv show. or it's people pretending that their smarter than everyone for regurgitating the same shit some other person had said already, but this time someone used an editing software and a blue yeti microphone to tell you that for an hour. and let's not even start how youtubers frequently make references to other social media sites despite them and their viewers claiming how much they detest social media. you're really not much better than the people you like to make fun of if you're equally as reactionary and annoyingly cynical about everything, and i think that's what a lot of people dont understand. i can see the same thing with people on neocities especially those with a much larger following. i've blocked as many of them as i possibly could because i just can't handle the pretentiousness that many of them exhibit, especially towards newcomers. and despite claiming how the web has been destroyed by coporate greed and capitilism they wholeheartedly support the idea of certain spaces on the internet being destroyed by it simply because they don't like the demographic of people there. even though that's most likely the only way for them to have some semblance of a community and source of income. yeah how "free speech" of you.

there's no secret oasis, you just don't know what your goals are outside of, "ermm i'm not like one of those people" and i just dont care to hear about it anymore. you're all the same, just cuz you got a website don't mean you cant be extremely annoying. it just isn't something you can constantly blame 'the rise of social media' for. we're all sort of responsible for the way we interact with toxicity and negativity and neocities, youtube, or whatever dumb alternative site that's probably only gonna last for about a month will never be immune to that unless we take the time to change the way we interact with others and media online.

my main goal with this was because i can't stop having an identity crisis whenever i think about who i am in the context of others. i feel like i've just been constantly influenced by other people, and i've already discussed on how i don't think thats inherently a bad thing in a previous entry. i'm talking more about the cynicism has been plaguing any kind of enjoyment i could be getting all because someone online gave a negative opinion on it. i feel like that's why i struggle so much on starting anything creative because someone out there will rip it to shreads for not meeting their standards (of which change constantly) and as someone who's not being paid to, let's say; draw or write i think its incredibly unfair and with the internet now being a thing anyone can access (If you have money at least) the market for criticism is extremely large and oversaturated (i hate calling it a 'market' but you know what i mean) there's so much of that i feel like people forget that its okay to just... like things or even hate things for whatever reasons no matter how small or large.

on the internet you can't say you like something without putting the word "unirionically" in front of saying something like "i really like that velma show". it just infuriates me everytime how desperate for approval and goodie points people are no matter where you go just because they like or don't like something and they have to bring that attitude everywhere. i dont care. it doesnt matter. other peoples opinion dont have to matter. the last thing i want resting in my mind is someones useless opinion on something.

god. anyways i've been exclusively listening to music and trying to finish up more manga and anime that i had set as 'planned to watch/read' and i guess trying to get better at art and get my drivers permit,,, oh and college howfunhowfunhowfun. one thing about this break is that because im not active on instagram i don't have any way of communicating with the two people i actually enjoy talking to and dont make me want to blow my brains out (mostly) but it's not like either of them go out of their way of contacting me. i know they have their own shit going on and im just kinda that bum loser who does nothing but watch childrens cartoons all day and doesn't have any friends i can hang out with irl. i dont care about the latter, i care about the stigma surrounding it. suprisingly i haven't felt really all that lonely and i think its because im not up all day stalking people from my schools social media pages. that's another thing to. if you're not broadcasting your life and existance to others you're kinda irrelevant. everyone only really wants to talk to people through discord, or snapchat, or instagram messaging and i dont like or use those apps actively enough (or at all) for me to keep up with that. so im just left in the dark sitting around not knowing what to do because i dont have a set schedule of things to do. not being on instagram cuts off my ability to communciate. i know i should tell people how i feel about this, but i feel like my feelings are constantly brushed off and no one cares to change. and i dont know what i'd have to do either. im just completely aimless but i guess i'm a little bit more productive these days.