while, obviously, nothing wrong with trying to figure out who you are as a person. what you truly like, what you truly dislike and your values. honestly i think thats the best true way of understanding yourself as a person. i think a lot of things about it though can lean towards individualism in a lot of ways. many people arent willing to credit or understand that many faucets of your entire being is from everything else that you engage in or your experiences. thats why i dont care for shit like mbti or ennegrams. its not really relevant (also people who use the personality database as the gospel are annoying asf) and the chances of your entire preception and world view becoming ""warped"" is highly possible in the future. you're never going to stay the same. never going to be the same. its scary for sure, and deep down i dont want to change. mainly because a lot of the things that have been told are wrong or something that should be "fixed" are things that are actually extremely important to me. and those suggestions were only really given in hopes that i can fit some kind of mold that makes my existance more palatable to others. but i cannot control the future, and neither can you. as much as i believe things like time travel/time manipulation is actually something thats possible.

i think that fustrates me the most though about finding myself, is not really knowing what i actually care about. do i actually care about this shit? or was i unconciously coerced to? do i actually believe that? did that actually happen? do i actually do that?

its fustrating. most of my "personality" is summed up by others. im constantly filtering my existance for the approval of others. even though i dont want to. but ive been pretty much been doing this ever since forever. i dont even think im really that good at it, but people find me likeable somehow. i question if my intrusive thoughts are that, intrusive. what are intrusive thoughts? do i actually geneuinely think those things. do i actually want to say that? do i actually want that to happen. i think i do sometimes. and i let it pass on, because its just a thought, and im not going to do it. but it feels genuine. whats the difference between an intrusive thought and genuine messed up thoughts i let pass on? did what i write there make any sense? i dont know lol.

my brain is constantly filled with mushy shit that i cant even properly explain. but i try to anyways.

i mean looking back i can be like, "oh yeah i always was aroace." or "oh yeah those were some clear signs of neurodivergency" but i have other thoughts that are like, "did i always hate being around people and talking too them?", "was i always really depressed and anxious??". and like no i dont think i was because some experiences changed that later on and thats why i am the way now. but i cant help but be curious and ruminate on the past, and i think it results in my anger half of the time. just thinking about how shitty people can be, how shitty our society is, and how it results in people growing up to become miserable. the world just isnt built for a lot of people, and we are later blamed for it all, or we blame other people. i dont know if i would change any of it though. because i dont care about not being crazy and ill or whatever. there's nothing inherently morally wrong about it. its not always a problem that needs or can be fixed. especially when the world continues to be the way that it is. you cant expect it to be easy or for everything to magically go away if we label others with xyz disorder, especially personality disorders.

i dont know. thanks for reading i guess i have no idea how to end this xD